I was last on here caroling my new beginnings in my reading life and with making goals and plans. What should be surprising to absolutely no one, is that my well-meant intentions faced against some harsh realities – time, my propensity to procrastinate, and my unerring tendency to embody “out of sight, out of mind”.
I don’t write this out of a spirit of bitterness, though I was upset with myself at first. Even the seemingly simple task of reading nine books intentionally (list here) got derailed by my penchant to be distracted by other books and lose interest in ones I most likely had only a passing interest in. I did read some, and I do intend to complete the list, but I’m a little miffed at how hard I’m finding it to read books that I’ve very deliberately set out beforehand.
My intent with this change was to cultivate a habit of doing the things I intend, with no procrastination. I’m learning, that with all new beginnings, the beginning is very likely the hardest part – for me.
I know some people find continueing to be difficult, or even have difficulty with endings, where the end of a thing sparks off a sort of depression, but I find myself having the most difficulty with beginnings. Where the beginning of a thing overwhelms me by the mere thought, and I put things off for – well, quite awhile.
The really frustrating part is that even with things I enjoy, like that list of nine books, I become overwhelmed when I put intentions toward them. If I randomly decide to do something, I do it immediately, with almost a hyperfocus and intensity. If I plan something, like a reading list or a writing schedule, I instantly become intimidated by the prospect of failure and, naturally, fail at doing what it was I intended to do. Then I continue to put it off, until I’ve convinced myself I don’t want to do it anymore.
Which is why I am determined to continue my explorations of making goals and doing what I intended. Even if I accomplish this in fits and starts, instead of in a habitual form, like I wish, I will eventually form the habit – just slower than I want.
My frustration is the beginning. Where do you find difficulty? A beginning, the middle, an ending? And what do you do when your plans go awry?